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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson