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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.