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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"