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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.