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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Trust me, I am a liar.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.