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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.