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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.