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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?