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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.