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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.