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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.