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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!