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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.