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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Carfax but for people
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.