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Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.