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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)