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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!