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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.