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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.