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Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.