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Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.