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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"