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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.