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My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.