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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I drink to make other people interesting
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.