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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.