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You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
My life is based on a true story
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.