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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.