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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.