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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I only accept apologies in cash.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up