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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."