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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?