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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
I`m perfect you adjust.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...