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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.