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Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.