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You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.