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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
The older I get the better I used to be.