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My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats