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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.