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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.