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Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...