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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.