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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
The problem with you is ... you exist.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
My IQ? ... With google or without?