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Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Attention fuels immaturity
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
is battling with eyelids
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"