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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.