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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
Smelling another person should be a choice.