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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.