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99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers