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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.