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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.