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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.