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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing