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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"