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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.