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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.