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Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards