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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?