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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Share this if you are weird and don`t care
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)