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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Hold boobs not grudges.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch