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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.