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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.