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TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?