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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.