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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
This status is mine....I licked it.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Not so great minds also think alike.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.