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My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem