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Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut