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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.