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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.