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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Being an American is awesome. The end.