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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.