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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.