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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.