Daily Silly Status

Weather forecast for tonight: dark

sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.

I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"

I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.

Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.

The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI

I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.

The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.

Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.