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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
I’m bored enough to clean.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.